So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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