Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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