saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Jerry, you need to find god
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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