i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
