Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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