why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
