I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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