Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
