Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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