NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
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Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
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My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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