my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
