your parents love me but you hate me
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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