My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
