Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
