Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
