I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
