I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
