dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
