Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He felt like a one man threesome
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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