Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
