i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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