LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
