i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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