I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
