I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
