Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Randomize
