i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
