Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
