I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
