Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Maybe he injected his testicle?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
