so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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