neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
