How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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