Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
