You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
