I only kidnapped one of them. chill
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
