You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
