I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
