I don't remember. Are we still dating?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
