After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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