just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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