Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You pole danced in your parka.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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