if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
