Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
