I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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