mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
