My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
