When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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