I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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