FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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