I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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