Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
