help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
