I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
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Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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