to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
